.: Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds :.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I ♥ Squadron 10:00 AM

Hi, I'm Shakilah. 21 this year, youngest of three daughters. I'm a diploma grad in IT, and I've been working fulltime for the past 8mths. I work as an IT Support, in an IT firm. I have a love hate situation with my job you see. Love cause I do want to persue in IT, and I've got couple of good people, hate cause I never wanted to work fulltime really. I rather work something which involve less with customers or rather my dream is to continue my education.

Well, that's the whole point. If someone asks me, to describe myself, that's much I have to say. No, not that I'm not a good describer, but rather that's how shallow my life is at the moment.

And the whole point is, I want to further up studies bad. I have much interest to gain knowledge, and I truly believe in lifelong learning. I'm rather a student adult than a working adult.

But after my application has been rejected by couple of local uni, kinda got myself in daze. Like I didn't want to further up, as I know my parents wouldn't be able to afford to send me abroad. It'll be like me stealing gold from a pauper. Not that my family is poor, but I can't bear to see my parents still working their ass off to bring me bright future. They've reached age, and my nephews need them, so much rather, I sacrifise.

Till I found an alternative university after much help from Squadron, and his constant motivation and support for me to further up studies, hence, my decision to swap project when EDB project closes. And my application to a uni was accepted. But somehow, I'm still here, working. Because things just suddenly changed, and my heart suddenly grew fonder for Squadron. Then I think back, if I were to study, he'll have to wait for 3-5years more for me. Given that he's 33, 34 to be exact this year, he'll be 40 when we finally settled.

No, not that I'm choosing to settle down by force, but everything that happens, is by choice and decision. Hence, I'm rather quite confused. I know he doesn't mind me furthering up studies, he supports me of my decisions. But I rather not be studying than be heartless.

Why? Because I know what I want. And who I'm looking for. And the person I'm looking is presently here. And I thank Allah for that, but I'm thinking, why now? No, not that I don't appreciate, but it'll be unfair to either one of us. One of us has to make a sacrifise.

I'm willing to bring forward my dreams to couple of years more, but I can't handle it emotionally. What should I do?