.: Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds :.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Who's Unfair? I ♥ Squadron 12:52 AM

Well, I dont know how shall I placed it into words. He said I'm being not fair, when I see that he's totally unfair. And demanding at one go. I don't mind that demands, but let me get this straight. I dont' know, maybe I'm being very emotional right now, but every word that I'm typing now, a shed of tear is found. Am I'm the cruel one that I feel so guilty, or is he totally the one he claimed, 'Giving me the hard time.'..

Lately I told him, That I couldn't feel that he's there, eventhough I know that he's there. But I said,"I totally understand that he is busy with school and life, together with family." I didn't complain or anything, just let him know. But what I actually feel is that he needs me only when he's entirely bored and has nothing or no one to have fun with. It didn't happen once only, a few times, but to the fact that he claimed I'm giving him pressure and wants to take it all slow, I decided to erase this stupid thoughts of mine. Yes, deleted it everytime it happens. I know I some kind of neglected him the otha time I was with school and busy things, but I know I did drop him a msg or two eventhough it's not everyday.. And what I recalled the otha time, while he was waiting for attachement, he too neglected me. I just don't seem to get what is it that he wants. Am I too stupid to understand, or is he demanding. I know sometimes, I do make mistakes, and yes he has the right to be angry. But please, not at the tinest mistake. I remember every fight that we have. All sorts of it.

Like this time I didn't pick up his call untill he called me 4 times straight. I told him the truth. that I didn't hear the phone, and that my room was engaged. I told him the truth and nothing but the truth. That I didn't hear my handphone and that the room phone wasn't hand properly.. But he claimed and deicdes to sum up that I was talking to some other guy and am cheating behind him. and I think that happened once or twice. Tell me if I'm wrong kay Nizam. Now that's what happen in his part. Let me place my part. He charges his phone and placed in silent mode. He charges his phone at the time at I would usually call him. And that I did call him for 11 times, all missed calls, that he didn't pick up. And to my suprise, he wasn't even bothering to check if I did call. If I hadn't msg his sister to let him know that I called him, I don't think he would even know that I'm calling and worrying shit about his whereabouts. And that happened for about 3 4 times I bet he don't remember. And I've neva gotten angry and decides to fight with him. And when we do fight over the phone, he claims that he's always is looking forward to every phone call every night, and that I've neva felt the same excitement when night arrives. If I don't look forward to talking to him on the phone, then why do I even bother to call him when I can just wait for his call? Tell me, when U don't look forward to talking to this person, wouldn't U wish U can avoid the call? If that's true that I've neva looked to any phone call with him, wouldn't I just don't call, or always be angry? IF so, why didn't I get angry when he didn't pick my call for 11 times? Is this fair?

He claims I'm unfair. I know he says "It's alrite to talk to your friend for awhile." KNowing that he understands my situation. Afta I've talked to my friend, I call him, then he gives me the attitude, "I dont like U to talk to anyone else but me" kind. Kay, jealousy. I know. Good sign. But too much is really priving that he hates me the most. And too much fight is really really giving the great impression that he's with me coz I'm still the girl with the big V. That I'm the good-for-marriage girl while the girls nowadays are those who have been 'tried' by other men. Like he says that just to make me stick by him and really think that he really loves me. I really want to erase that off me, I don't want to believe that. But how can I when he's so showing that he hates me? That he doesn't love me? Siriusly Nizam. I'm speaking from the bottom of my heart. I really love U. I know I can't imagine my life withougt U now. I know this is like really true love. Coz of the way we met and of the things I do for U without myself knowing that I actually love U from the beginning. By the way that I really wanna stand and take in all the anger and hates U give me. Coz I really want to make U really really love me. For who U are and for who I am. Not for the impression that this is the greatest and hard to get kinda person type..

U claim I'm stepping all over U. But I think U're the one who's doing it. I don't blow my top, get angry at U, but you're always being angry at me. And always fighting at me. I didn't get mad at U when U met Ijah, eventhough I know I was pissed but I controlled my anger and see the brighter side for U. That one of your problems is solved. I could be just like U, blow off my top, and be mad and angry. U even forgot what I told U the other time U met Ifah behind my back. I said, just let me know that U're meeting another girl. And xplain. If I were to be mad, let me be. But at least I'm not left at the dark alley. Thnak God U survived. But what if U were to be killed or get caught or something bad happens to U? Then where do I stand? Or wait, where do I satnd in your life when this things happens? When U meet this girls to solve your matters, that I didn't even know U had those matters? Kay, I know if I wanna know, I should ask, Butwhen I asked too much, U say I'm pressuriing U. Do U even know why I'm pressurising U? Bcoz I dont wanna lose U. I'm afraid U'll be like when U were before me. The rebel Nizam. U know U can't afford anymore mistakes. U know I can't bear to see U make a big blow to your second chance. But don't U think I'm doing this so that U won't make the big Mistake anymore? I know U can think, U're matured. I trust U on that. I know U can take care of yourself coz you're 20. But I know that now, you're most fragile and most difficult situation that I decide to stay and help. I always say I won't give up on U. And U know what? I'm sticking to it. Really sticking to it. Even if we break up, I honestly and promise U, I'll stick to that till I find that you're doing prefectly fine in life. With smooth journey like mine. I know people will say I'm stupid, I'm a fool. But U know what, I don't care what they say. Coz I love U. And that I know this is for a good cause. I'm not putting my life at danger, just playing with my own heart and meddling with it. What doesn't hurt U, kills U right? Like when U always steal and neva get caught, then U get into a bigger crime and gets you into more trouble.

Where is the Nizam I know? The one I know when I just got to know U. U claimed I've changed. Maybe I did. Maybe I'm less care-free. I'm more strick and more pressurising U coz it's really a difficult situation now. And thins are not the same. But I'm not saying that I'll be like this foreva. Like U always tell me, just 2 years. Let me tell U, just 2 years and then it'll be over. U sirisuly don't seems to show U love me. Am i the one who's having high hopes? Or is it that I'm not accpeting fact?

I'm not saying I hate U Nizam. But I love U. I really do. The most in fact. Coz when you're angry, I cry. It's because I know U're actaully scared and really having difficult time. I feel U. But can U feel me?