.: Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds :.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I ♥ Squadron 7:52 PM

NO doubt I admit I do feel some insecurity, not the problem that lies with my Shnookie. But the problem lies with me. Maybe because of his continuous overtime job that I feel that things will pretty much change soon, like I would really miss it all.

I miss the time that he would meet me and pick me from school every night, spend precious time together at the beach, tossing me and turning me around. Carrying me like he's lifting weight. Screaming my lungs out, relieving all the tension, stress or pressure plus the pain and suffering that I've been having for some time. He does make me feel so free and able to do thing that I've been yearning to do all this time. Like he understands me inside out..

I really can't keep secrets from him, I tried. And everytime I tried, he'll know it. He sees right through me, he sense it, by how my attitude is with him that point of time, how lost I can be with where I'm heading. He reads people, which I'm glad about it. He can tell with what I want, with what I've been yearning.

That's why I admire him.

He's understanding, caring and loves me much. Responsible, easygoing and happy at all time are some of his plus points. What I look for in a person I want to be with. Eventhough our age gap and generation is eons plus three, I'm sure with what I'm doing. Parents don't object, friends do support. There's no other reason why I can't be with him, except for myself. I know he wants me to really make sure of what my decision that I choose.

For it, I don't want to make the same mistake twice, least let history takes its place. I wan't to be sure this time it's really love that I'm with him, not because of his kindness, not because he's hard to get. I want it to be mutual love, true love. I'm not afraid of his ability of be responsible of me, but more of my abilities with my own choice. But I know I really have to find myself first before finding the other half. One advantage is, I think I've found the person who'll help me find myself. And I know other-halves are the ones who help their other-halves. My instability it's haunting me. My insurity of myself it's worrying me. I don't even know what to do life after poly. Work, school. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should do some straightening out with myself. Maybe it's time to be a big girl now.. But I don't know how to do just that, without jeopardising things, people around me.. Just maybe I shouldn't think much about this till I've graduated.

That's why with Shnookie frequent overtime that I keep thinking of many things. I don't want to hurt people by getting to their nerves, saying things we wish we could have taken it back. I don't want to make a mistake as big as that.

I know he loves me, I do love my Shnookie too. I'm just afraid. Afraid of so many things.