.: Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds :.

Monday, January 15, 2007

I ♥ Squadron 2:23 AM

As much as I know that I've moved on, sometimes somethings in life that happened to you, just leaves a huge question mark on your head. I reminiscence about the past today. That I used to have back in 2005. Where I used to be this one single lady, with no worries about life, much. I lead life as how it is. Usual things. Cry a bit, hate a bit, worry a bit and crush a bit.

Only on that crush wasn't a bit. It was the longest and I say strongest crush I had (at that point of time before I met someone special). Between a 16year old and a 23 year old. As much as there was a huge age gap there, 23years old admit the 16year old being matured to have her mindsets. That was me. He's a pure rebel, the one who quitted school at 13 and worked hard for his living since then. A late mother to cry about, a wrecked family to return home to. As much as he's a rebel, he took care of me, from far. Then I was 16. The tender age of teenage outrage behavoir stage. Where one turns proper or rebel. I know that I wasn't much of a rebel, but maybe sometimes, U turned out to be how U are today, was a effect of yesterday. He gave me advices and was a pure nice person to just talk fun with. I loved to call him, and he would always ring me. No matter how busy he was at then with Sentosa. It's just too weird when I got to know he's my sis's donor, whom they acknowledge and much befriended. He tells me much about his problems, and I would listen out to him and talk to him things, help him undergo things. From there, we did stated that there was a reason for it. From an outsider's eyes, she could detect that he was falling for her. And lil did I know till I was proven and to then realise myself falling for him too. I was much afraid to do something big as fear of commitment and fear of losing a friend. I took that huge step and told him. To only received his disappearing act. He disappeared for about 3 long months.

In that few months, I came to meet this guy. I thought at that time would be one of the many guys whom I'll meet in my life and pass through them. Like a friend. Then, there were many others whom wants to get closer to me. I was wondering, what did I really see in this one person, whom I personally wants to get closer to. We share some same fears and same interests and soon moved closer and took the huge step falls March 8. Before I took the step to know him, I was asking and always asking myself. Is this what I want? For him to be with me, and not Rasyidi. I was confused and hurt then, I cried for nights and left myself in frequent daze. I know that I want to move on and I did prove it when I spontaneuosly answer the big question from my now, Boyfriend. We're much happy from then.
But comes back my yester years. Rasyidi kept contacting me and asking how I was doing. But I never did urge or think twice in replying any of his messages. Till I finally did tell him I have a boyfriend. I was happy and glad to let it out. Being fair to both me and boyfriend. Rasyidi has the tendency to come and go. It just pisses me off when he does that. And knowing know how serious I was with Nizam, I really much want my past to just be my past.

I'm changing my number. To move on and to stop all of this stupid things. Then I reminiscene. About why Rasyidi did disappear when I said have feelings for him. It suddenly haunts me. As much as his answer wouldn't be much of an impact, the unfairness and question still plays in my head. It's not that I still like him, Nizam. It's just that sometimes when somethings happen to U, you want an explaination why . So that U can entirely move on and look forward.

"Go backward to go forward".

Get everything resolved then. I rang Rasyidi up in the blue and bombard with is these questions. He answer truthfully and apologise for his doings then. He mentioned that I had every reason to know why he did such a thing to me. I got the facts and know the reasons. He wasn't much ready for a relationship and was fear of hurt. He pierces himself and pretty much saddist from how I used to know him. Then I told him the truth. I don't want to be in any form of contact or ties with him. Just want to move on.

I have a great guy standing infront of me. Why would I want to ask for something that's not worth it. Why look into the past when there's a brighter future? As much as Rasyidi was the first crush, but Nizam, you're my first love, my first priority. I do things for U I didn't know I would even do. If I didn't love U, why wouldn't I just neglect U and go to Rasyidi when I have gazillion chances to do so? Because I simply love U. Know what? I hate Rasyidi for his mindsets then. But now, I thank him for doing so, cause if he didn't do so, I wouldn't have met U Nizam. And know what, the reason why I wanted to get closer to U in the first place, cause I saw your heart.

I HEART NIZAM.